Does anyone feel the way I do? Are you so totally exhausted you cannot do the things you once enjoyed? I used to love reading a good book but now I get only half way down a page and my head starts drifting forwards due to extreme tiredness, I can hardly keep my eyes open, I need matchsticks to hold my lids up. I then start to question myself because I have slept most of the day so how much sleep does my body need before I can function normally again? Yet I have been told the sleep I do get is not adequate, it is not giving me the quality of sleep my body so desperatly needs.
When I had my accident back in 2003 when I broke 12 bones due to a 30 foot fall I started to do a brand new hobby, that of card making. I really enjoyed making cards for my family and friends but today I cannot even do that because now the thought of getting my stuff together tires me just at the thought of it. Somedays, well if I am honest most days I am too tired to have a shower! OMG! I was NEVER this way, I was alway scrupuously clean in my hygeine department, it frustrates me no end because all I can manage is what I call a top and tale, basically I use a chair to sit at the sink in my bathroom and have a flannel wash. I hate it! My hair doesn't get washed as often as I would like either because it is just so tiring! When I do wash my hair, I then have to dry it and then I use my straitghteners on it, but by this time my whole body is warning me to sit down otherwise I will fall down with exhaustion. I get ringing in my ears then my whole body goes wet! I cry most days because I feel like I do not have a life anymore, I can hardly walk now due to the pain. I am supported by my 2 crutches, yes crutches and not walking sticks, this is because I do not want to feel I am getting old before my time. When on the very rare occasion I do go to the supermarket with my Carer I look on at the people who use the buggies in store to make their visit less painful getting around, but I refuse to use them because again I don't want to appear I am getting old before my time. How stupid I am right? I know I am, really I should be pushed about in a wheelchair now and my daughter's whom I love so much want to buy me a wheelchair, but I tell them I am not that bad when in reality I AM THAT BAD! The consequence of me pushing my body to do this extra hurdle is when I do return home I fall asleep like a baby and that is then me completely useless then for 2 or 3 days because I won't fall in line with what many other Fibromyalgia sufferers do. Why am I doing this to myself? Why is my body letting me down? WHY do I hurt so bad? WHY do I feel so isolated? WHY am I so extremely tired 24/7? WHY do I not understand the concept of pain? Surely when one breaks a bone it heals and then one should be fine, so WHY is it I am in all this pain still?
I feel my life is just an existance, I do not have a life! At first, at the beginning of my accident I felt optimistic I was going to get better, I even went back to college to study I.T. but as the month's went by, my body went spiralling downhill as I became more and more lethargic. Now I cannot commit to anything! I therefore now feel I am a prisoner in my own home. It doesn't help matters the fact I live alone, I feel I am becoming institutionalised in my own home. The only thing I do is watch T.V. but then I don't even do that, because I can be looking in the direction of my T.V. but my mind is not on it because I am trying so hard to get comfortable to eleviate the pain I am in. I even keep my T.V. on 24/7 because I am lonely plus scared that I now live on my own, my T.V. is my constant companion. Even the morphine doesn't take all the pain away, it just takes off the edge. I tried to come off the morphine myself one day and I just could not believe the reaction after 3 hours of not taking my normal dose at the normal time of taking it. My whole body went into 'Cold Turkey' syndrome! It was really scary! There was one thing I realised what was happening to me and it was like my feet was not touching the ground when I walked, I felt disorientated, for some strange reason I wanted to open my bowels, I thought at first I was imagening it but no it was definitely happening. I excreted more than I would normally excrete, it was like me having an enema, lol! now I know how to cure my constipation, just not to take my morphine at the normal time. I felt like I had a Colonic Irrogation, I think that is what it is called, whereas one's contents are completely removed from their colon with the help of a machine. For the first time in a long time I had a flat stomach, so it does have it's advantages, but I seriously would NOT reccomend it to anyone so PLEASE DO NOT TRY THIS YOURSELF! I do believe too I was putting my life in danger because one of the things I did notice was I started getting very fast palpitations of my heart. When I finally took my normal dose of morphine be it 4 hours late I slept like a baby AGAIN for the rest of the day and night| waking periodically due to the chronic pain I was in.
I keep having to stop typing because the pain in my back now out of 10 is a 9! I CAN'T STAND THIS PAIN! I feel sick but then it is either as a result of my morphine or because of the excruciating pain I am in right now. I believe it to be the latter. I used to teach Salsa dancing at a club in Manchester called Cococabana's, I used to love dancing. I have many beautiful Salsa dresses and shoes in my wardrobe. My daughter's keep asking me to put them on Ebay but I don't want to, that will mean to me I have lost the battle. I cry because of the way my right foot is, it took the brunt of my fall and my heel was completely shattered as a result. What is strange is that I have had Oedema since my accident which never goes away but does get worse when I walk due to standing too long and also due to pain.
I have purposely cut myself off from my friends too! I don't look like they do now, I don't act like they do now, but worse I don't feel the same way they do now because I am ALWAYS in so much pain and I am ALWAYS so extremely tired! Does anyone out there feel the way I do or am I going crazy?